Friday, 4 July 2014

Reputation Attenuator

Salary: £19,500 Basic, with excellent potential for bonuses.
Various Locations.  Ongoing Contract.

Niche's company values...
'Honesty, integrity, ruthless deception.'
Niche Recruitment Services are currently looking to recruit a team of 'Reputation Attenuators' to assist them in the goal of increasing the volume of new recruitment business acquired.  Niche have branches all over the country and therefore a number of positions are available in a variety of locations.

The job of ‘Reputation Attenuator’ will entail registering with rival employment agencies and then doing everything legally possible to damage their rival agencies' reputations.  At the initial contact with rival agencies you will be expected to go out of your way to make an excellent first impression, thus increasing the chance that the rival agency will register you on their books and send you for numerous jobs interviews.

However, Niche will then require you to dramatically change your attitude and transform into the potential nightmare employee.  For example you would be expected to turn up late for interviews, dress scruffily, and come across as unreliable and disinterested during each job interview.

As a result of your behaviour, Niche hope this unprofessional approach will harm (or 'attenuate', to use their terminology) the reputation of their rival employment agencies and thus ensure that in future more recruitment business comes their way.  If you perform your duties to the standard expected by Niche Recruitment Services, it is hoped that companies using the services of their rivals will receive a customer service experience which is so poor that they will be reluctant to use their services again.  As a result local businesses will hopefully be more likely to approach Niche as their first point of contact when recruiting for new roles in future.

Given the nature of the job, the successful applicant must be able to work well under pressure, and must also be able to demonstrate a strong capability for secrecy and discretion.

If the position of Reputation Attenuator sounds like a role you would be suited to, then scroll down the page for further details of how to submit your CV and arrange an appointment with Niche to discuss the role in further detail.

Please note, this is not a real job.  The position of Reputation Attenuator doesn't exist and Niche Recruitment Services don't exist either.  I just made them up.  This entire job advert was just a daft piece of tomfoolery.

This fictitious job decription was completely made up by Charles Fudgemuffin, author of the alien comedy 'How To Save The World' books which are available for Kindle from Amazon.  The books are priced at approximately £2/$3, but you can currently download the first book in the series for free from Amazon UK and Amazon US.

Please note, the 'How To Save The World' books are suitable for ages 18+ and are not recommended for prudes or squares.

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