Knife Thrower's Assistant

Basic Salary: £36,000, plus travel allowance.

Generous Pension Benefits (death in service exclusion applies).

Knife Thrower's Assistant

This is an unique role which will appeal to an employee with an adventurous nature.

An experienced knife thrower is recruiting for the position of 'Knife Thrower's Assistant'. Applicants must be available for an immediate start due to the previous employee leaving the job in very sudden and unfortunate circumstances.

The job carries a small element of danger, and therefore employees would be required to sign a legal disclaimer prior to commencing their duties. Preference will be given to applicants who are not squeamish and who are comfortable with the sight of blood.

The position of 'Knife Thrower's Assistant' is being advertised for an initial period of two months, but there is the possibility for the contract to be extended pending the result of a police investigation into manslaughter charges against the employer.

The nature of the work would also involve a lot of travelling, so a flexible approach to working hours is essential. Previous experience is desirable, but not essential. 

If you feel that the position of 'Knife Thrower's Assstant' is a role for which you would be ideally suited, then scroll down the page for details on how to submit your CV.

Graffiti Artist Humiliation Officer

Salary: £28,000 - £34,000 rising with experience.
Full Time, Temporary Three Month Contract.

A mock up of the 'fight back' work the successful
applicant will be required to carry out.

West Humbershire Council are looking to recruit a Graffiti Artist Humiliation Officer to assist with their soon to be implemented 'Fight Back Against The Vandals' program. No experience is required but you must be a highly motivated individual capable of working off your own initiative and interested in improving the long term cleanliness of the local environment.

The West Humbershire region and Marlowby Village in particular have had an ever increasing problem with graffitti in recent months and therefore West Humbershire Council have developed a radical strategy for targeting and eliminating 'street art'. This has led to the creation of a new position within the Parks & Leisure Department.

The Graffiti Artist Humiliation Officer will be required to locate the 'tags' of prominent local graffiti artists and then write 'stinks of s**t' after their tag.  For example, if you discovered the tag 'Phat Jiggle Dude' then you would write 'stinks of s**t' after it so that the graffiti would then read, 'Phat Jiggle Dude ... stinks of s**t.'

Reputation Attenuator

Salary: £26,500 Basic, with excellent potential for bonuses.
Various Locations. Ongoing Contract.

Niche's company values...
'Honesty, integrity, ruthless deception.'

Niche Recruitment Services are currently looking to recruit a team of 'Reputation Attenuators' to assist them in the goal of increasing the volume of new recruitment business acquired. Niche have branches all over the country and therefore a number of positions are available in a variety of locations.

The job of 'Reputation Attenuator' will entail registering with rival employment agencies and then doing everything legally possible to damage their rival agencies' reputations. At the initial contact with rival agencies you will be expected to go out of your way to make an excellent first impression, thus increasing the chance that the rival agency will register you on their books and send you for numerous jobs interviews.

However, Niche will then require you to dramatically change your attitude and transform into the potential nightmare employee.  For example you would be expected to turn up late for interviews, dress scruffily, and come across as unreliable and disinterested during each job interview.